Everybody knows The Simpsons. The show caused a lot of buzz and I happen to be one of the biggest fans of it myself.
Alright, let's go back to the year 1996.
Do you all remember Steamed Hams, that scene from S7E21? Oh, I really love to watch it, and it regularly appears on the internet sometimes. Here is the synopsis.
"Principal Skinner has invited Superintendent Chalmers to his house for an unforgettable luncheon, but his roast is ruined and so he resorts to ordering fast food from Krusty Burger and disguising it as his own cooking (which he calls "steamed hams").
While trying to come up with fake explanations to cover up his lie, Skinner forgets to turn off the oven and sets his house on fire. When Chalmers notices, Skinner passes it off as aurora borealis and rushes him out. Chalmers states that although Skinner is an odd fellow, he steamed a good ham. While Agnes (offscreen) calls for help, the Springfield Fire Department helps with the fire."
However, there was an unreleased director's cut.
One afternoon, I was playing the Steamed Hams mod of The Simpsons: Hit & Run PC in my room, then I got bored and went on my computer.
When I was about to watch Steamed Hams memes on it, I received an email from one of my friends. It said that there is an unreleased director's cut of the Steamed Hams meme. You have to admit, I was interested.
I began a search for it. I tried contacting the people who worked on the film, via emails or phone calls, but I never got a response or I only got an answering machine.
My last resort was contacting Matt Groening, the person who created The Simpsons, and one of the writers of the episode. I managed to get on a Skype interview with him, and I asked him general questions like "Where did you get the idea for this episode?" and "What did you think of the finished episode?" and whatnot. So when I finally asked him about the purported "Director's Cut", he just fell silent. I could see his face going pale. He proceeded to tell me, "Don't look for it. Just let the memory die." He hung up the call right then, and I just sat at my desk, confused. I went to bed.
The next day, I tried emailing Mr. Groening about the Director's Cut, in an attempt to find out more. I managed to get a response exactly 45 minutes later! The email said: "I'm not sure if seeing it is a very good idea, but I'll let you have it. Just like everything else you see, the following that you will see in this will forever stay in your mind for the rest of your life." I was unsure if I really wanted to see the Director's Cut at this point, but hey, morbid curiosity got the best of me. So I sent back another email with a "thank you".
About an hour later, I received an email from Mr. Groening himself. It was the Director's Cut file.. strangely it had the exact same design as the regular Steamed Hams file I downloaded from YouTube. I was so overjoyed, I opened my old VLC media player, went to go get some popcorn and some Sprite, pressed play, sat down, and was ready to watch the director's cut.
If only I would take that back.
Well, the intro of the scene was different. You know, where Chalmers arrives at Skinner's house and rings his doorbell? Well, the shot just... stays there. It just froze on the house. Chalmers didn't move at all. You couldn't even hear the voice of Chalmers. It was just total silence.
Gee, that's odd.
After about six minutes, the file cut to the scene of Skinner "stretching his calves on the windowsill"...Wow, this was pretty late in the scene. Again, it was dead silence. It cut to static for about 30 seconds, but again, it was silent. The weird thing is that I could make out some sort of video in the static...
It looked like Skinner, who was no longer on the windowsill and on the floor, laying unconscious, and Chalmers, who had an axe, was axing him repeatedly, and as he kept doing it, blood spurted on the screen. The blood was either food coloring, that might have been used for the making of this realistic blood splatter effect, paint, or... real. It wasn't your regular cartoon blood.
I nearly vomited, but after the video clip ended, the scene cut to the scene where the phrase "Steamed Hams" was born, but again it was silent.
When it got to the scene of where Chalmers bit the burger, it once again cut to static. This time there was no hidden video thankfully, and it was just regular static. It cut to the scene where Chalmers remarks about the burgers' similarities to Krusty Burger and how they're obviously grilled. However the scene went on longer than I expected...
It showed Skinner inside the kitchen for like five seconds, and then he burned to death. Blood and organs were flying.
It then cut to the ending where Chalmers and Skinner leave the house. However, the scene went on longer then it expected. The house exploded and killed Chalmers, Skinner, and his mother, without any sound. This time, I threw up. Then I paused the video, and went into the bathroom to throw up even more!
When I came back, I unpaused the video. Instead of the credits rolling, there was a message saying: "The only way out of hell is suicide."
I quickly closed VLC media Player, deleted the file, and reported the link.
I am NEVER gonna download any bootleg files like this. I had nightmares about the file for almost a week.
The original episode aired on Foxtel a few months later, on a rainy day. As I sat there for 25 seconds, there was a whisper behind me:
"Now I can keep track of you, forever…"
I turned around and it was a Skinner plushie with red eyes, smiling. I grabbed it, threw it out the window, and the rain soaked into it and eventually dissolved it into mush, so no one else could ever see the file.
I will never experience something like that ever, ever, EVER again. If you ever see a copy of the director's cut file, stay away from it, or why don't you destroy it?