Straightjacket: a Coop and Lincoln Story - Part l



"Your teacher was a prime piece of meat, real tasty and so much better than your whore of a mother, Coop!"

"I...I...Hate you...!"

-Punch sound effect-

"Shut up! Jesus fucking Christ! Can you get anymore fucking melodramatic?!"

"Please...s...s...stop."

"Hehe... Look at you, you gonna piss your pants too, ugly?"

"One last chance, dad. Stop."

"Listen fucknut, I will do what I want, when I want, you got that? Your sister and I will not be talked down to by a little cocksucker like you! Man, I knew I should have forced your mother to abort you! First you blame the cat for your misdeeds, and now your gonna bitch and whine over the fact that the cat messed up your face? Haha! I mean look at you, you look like you couldn't decide to either become an emo, or a furry, so you decide to choose both!"

"Enough! Coop's been looking for a reason to spare your pathetic life, and you can't give him that. You won't hurt anyone ever again..."

-Knife sound effect-

"Where the fuck did you get a knife?"

"We don't have one father, we have two. And they're the last things you'll EVER see..."

-Stabbing sound effects-

-Flesh ripping sound effects-

-Man screaming sound effect-

After his father is dead, Coop chuckles slightly as the blood drips from his knife. He then starts to hear police sirens in the distance as they drive up to the Burtonburger residence. He freaks out as he snaps out of his murderous trance and runs out of the house, it's raining as he runs off into the woods out in the backyard. He stops and sits by a tree, he's breathing heavily and he eventually gets up and continues his escape. He stops as Coop hears a strange voice coming from his own lips.

"You're free now..."

"Who...Who are you?"

"I want to be your friend. Ever since Kat threw that jar of skin on you, I felt your rage. Oh, that sick, rich pleasure... Now I know you have what it takes. You shall be the bringer of death, and the way I see it, we can do whatever WE want! Do we have a deal...Partner? Hehehehee..."

"(Long pause as music stops) Deal."

-Lightning sound effects-

-Intro Plays: Pictures of real life insane asylums with The Devil's Rejects by Rob Zombie playing in the background-

Years Later...
"Well, everything is signed sir, this fagstick is all yours."

"I am impressed, this attainment has proven your incompetence, Officer Cobb. It was a mistake to doubt your potential."

"Well, anything to put this little sack of horse dung behind bars. Hey doc, Coop's never gonna be put back on the streets, right? I mean, I'd hate to be plowing his mom on the kitchen counter, and then in walks little cat boy, know what I mean? Hehehe!"

"Ah, it would be a very narrow chance officer, but we shall see."

"Hey man, I gotta ask, you ever, uh... You know go into the female wing of the asylum to, uhh... Hehe, fuck some of them beautiful crazies? Hehehehehe!"

"That will be all for today Mr. Cobb."

"Alrighty, alrighty, point taken. All I'm saying is they're crazy, right? I mean they wouldn't mind."

"I have many task that acquire my attention officer. Now, off you go."

"Alrighty man, blue balls ain't nothing but a dry moose you know, heh! We'll, see ya later then."

Officer Buck Clarence Cobb leaves the office as Cooper Davis Burtonburger is brought in, he's wearing a straight jacket. The warden is a well dressed Englishman about 6'5 and in his thirties lurking over his chair behind his desk. There are paintings of John List, Ed Gein, and Richard Ramirez on the warden's wall, and in the warden's left hand he held a cane with a panther on the tip of it.

"(sigh) Hello Coop, I am glad to welcome you to my office. I am Dr. Vincent Black. I will be your warden for now on."

"When do I get out of here?"

"Once we evaluate you, from there we will determine if your crazed mentality is capable of sub-pressing and adapting to a behavioral society. Tell me Coop, wouldn't you like to earn back your place into the normal world?"

"I don't think you've ever stepped out stepped outside, doc. A normal world? How gullible."

"By definition, no. Especially with people like you on the loose. But do not frieght, Coop, your home now, and we are going to make you all better."

"(Laughs) Don't make me slap my knee, there's nothing wrong with me."

"Oh, but there is. You see, like all my subjects, your rebuttal is the first sign of the problem. Your face. Your brain. You are fragmented into tiny pieces. Your random acts of homicide, they're nearly a semblance of your own desalination, and we here at Oglethorpe are going to make you dance again."

"Well...We all have our own little problems, don't we? I have a lack of morals as society sees it, and you have a lack of facial hair as I see it! Hehehahahahehe!"

"Ah, yes, another comedian. We are going to have fun with you Mr. Burtonburger. Guard, take the patient away and escort him to his very first group counseling session."

"You know, you smell of chicken, doc. Or should I say Kernel. That's not good for the heart, you know. Hahahahahehehehe!"

"Oh, and guard. Do leave Mr. Burtonburger's jacket on. We wouldn't want him to get cold now would we? Ta-ta, Mr. Burtonburger."

Coop was escorted by a large guard down a spotted hallway. He could hear screams and many unsettling noises. Finally, he arrived in a small pink yellow room in which a circle of chairs held a circle of people talking to an African American shrink.

"...and when did you notice a change in your mood, Mr. Membrain?"

"When I truly started to believe there was something dark with me. Something evil. An alien version of me, Nurse Jackie."

"An alien version of you, Mr. Membrain?"

"Yes. At least, that's what they called it. The doctors and scientists said it was literally an evil me, or rather, the alien inside me."

"(Scoffs) Gay."

"Dude, it's not your turn yet."

"You shouldn't fear your dark side, Dib. You should embrace it. It could be the thing that saves your fucking life."

"You don't know what your talking about Devil May Cry."

"Now Lincoln, we're here to get better, not to condone bad behavior." Nurse Jackie said.

"White hair? I think you're the gay one, Abraham Lincoln. Get it? Because your name's Lincoln, and you so happen to be gay! Makes sense! Hehehehahahahahaaaah!"

"What the hell is your problem, Gar-Milf ?"

"I've heard better comebacks from Patrick. Just let Dib talk so we can move on, kay?"

"Whatever you say, fucking fatass."

"Hey I'm not fat I'm big-boned goddammit."

"Alright, let's regroup, okay? This is our new friend, his name is Coop Burtonburger. He'll be joining our sessions from here on out."

"It's Eddie, bitch!"

"Naw, naw! That's not exceptible. My name is Nurse Jackie, are we clear? I will call you Coop, and you will call me Nurse Jackie. It is in your best interest to behave so I ask again. Are we clear Coop?"

"Crystal..."

-Metal door creaks opens-

"This is your new home now, Coop. Your cell number is 1430 W. Don't worry, you won't have to remember, we will remember it for you. Guard, shut the door. Goodnight, Coop. And soon as you get better, you will one day fly off to Neverland."

Coop looked around at this disgusting rats nest called a cell, the window was very high with old rusty bars covering it, the bed was dilapidated to the point that it hit the floor. And to top it all off, there was a spider in the corner of the right wall. The spider laid there in such a way you would almost think it was trapped in there as well. Coop as close as he could to the back part of the wall with the window high above him. He looked out upon the moonlight.

"Oh, Dennis, where are you? How did we depart so easily? I mean, when we blew up Kat's death ray as kids, I thought we finally expose Kat to dad. But that damn cop Officer Cobb just had to be watching while we did it. I can't believe that fuckwit actually managed to apprehend me, luckily he didn't get you. But still, where are you hiding Dennis? Is this where I will live forever? I'd hate to admit it, but I'm scared Dennis...Where are you? I- No no no, Coop, we can't loose it now. Hmm... A spider! You sir can be my friend when we must bare this hell. I will call you... ummmmm.... Bob. How do we get out of here Bob? Don't know, huh? Well fuck it, looks like I will have to figure out a plan sooner or later." The next morning Coop was thrown into a bath full of freezing water, then re-strapped into his straightjacket and sent to group therapy session once again.

"Today, we have new business, Garfield here is going to start the meeting today."

"I am?"

"Yes Garfield."

"I am. Um. Well, I've always ate everything Jon gave me."

"Yes, Garfield, go on. It's always safe to talk in group."

"Well, I've always figured to eat any living thing in a way."

"And how is that Garfield? Is cannibalism your hobby?"

"Hell, Nurse Jackie, this kid I bit into tasted like chicken, hehe!"

"Garfield, unless you have something new and insightful to say today, I'll personally make sure the staff gives you your medication in a different fashion. In other words, your standard oral."

"N - eh - ew - Well,  um, I think I've probably been related to many fat cats as a kitten, And uh... That's where, uh... My sick habits began."

"Good, Garfield, that wasn't so hard was it? Now, does anyone have anything new to say for today?"

"Why are we here?"

"Well, Coop... I mean, 'Eddie'... You're here because we are trying to help you."

"No. We're here because you say we're fragmented or desolate in some way, what if people, like us, are just meant to be like this? What if the world needs evil? There must be bad or there won't be no good, correct? What if we're all perfectly sane, Nurse Jackie?! What if your all incregious to the fact?"

Lincoln smiles at Coop, "I didn't think your such a shithouse! I agree with you, Ed."

"I will not allow a vile group session, Lincoln!" Nurse Jackie barked.

"Jesus, does no one want to rehabilitate themselves at all?" Dib asked himself.

Garfield looks at Dib, "You're absolutely right, Membrain! Let's just play nice for now."

"The more we fight this woman, the warden, and the rest of the staff, the more we subject ourselves to this mindless torture." Dib said.

"Even if we play coy, Dib, we aren't getting out of here." Coop said in his normal voice.

"What happened to being crystal clear, Coop?" Nurse Jackie asked, having none of this nonsense.

Eddie immerged back from inside Coop like a demon from Hell, "Fuck you!"

"That is enough! Your diffidence will not be tolerated!"

"Mentally defective is how you salvos perceive us!"

"That's enough, Burtonburger!"

"Ed shut up you're gonna get us in trouble! Mentally defective defines the human race, Nurse Jackie! We sick in the head, retarded, insane, coo-coo, sick, criminals, killers, misfits, fuckups, and otherwise, honest people, are just open in who we are! WE are the real people, YOU are the monsters and the fakes!"

Coop was whisked away to a small white room in which, the warden and his staff were gathered around him. Coop was placed on a stable and held down as tubes were placed on his head and feet.

"Oh, Coop. Your first week in and already we must indulge in consequential methods of therapy. But it's quite alright, why prolong the inevitable? Today's maybe the first step to the rest of your life."

-Electricity sound effects-

-Man screaming sound effect-

Coop lay in his cell after the electric hock session, it was roughly four in the morning and an inmate with a cart of medication walked by and opened Coop's cell.

-Cell opening sound effect-

"Hello, Coop. I'm Phillip Clause, I'm an inmate here. I just need to give you a few pills, not to worry though, they're meant to help you sleep."

"I don't like sleep, if brings me nightmares."

"Tell me about it. I used to suffer from insaomnia myself, white noise, warm drinks, sleeping descriptions, the whole deal. IBut I could give you something to make you feel better."

"Really...? Like what, exactly...?"

"I have sedatives, I'm not aloud to give them without order, but I know how nightmares can be Coop?"

"And why do you show me such compassion, Phillip?"

"You wouldn't believe it, but we went to school together and I know how awful you had it. I don't know, I honestly don't think you deserve to be here."

"Fine then, shoot me up. But make no mistake, try anything and I will bite your face off."

"Very well then, here, relax. And go to sleep."

Phillip walked out of the room, and Coop went to sleep. Coop thought it was odd when he was given the injection of whatever it was to calm him. He could've sworn Phillip disappeared and vanished, not really walked out of the room, but just evaporated into thin air.