Why I'll Never Go To Equestria With Mr. Krabs

"Why I'll Never Go To Equestria With Mr. Krabs" by TheDarkCat97
[Airport sounds in the background]

Stitches: Um... Where are we going again?

Vampyro: We're going to Equestria, Stitches. A miserable little village filled with happy-go-lucky horses with glorious aromas, smiling faces, and a lot of... *sighs* sunlight.

Stitches: Oh, that's bad. I mean, you're a vampire, you'll burst into flames once you step off that plane.

Vampyro: Don't worry, sunlight to vampires is not actually from the folklore, as many types of vampires - like myself - survive just fine in the sunlight, and traditional folklore rarely mentions sunlight at all. In other words, it's just gonna give me minimum discomfort.

Stitches: Oh that's good. I wonder how all of Ponyville would react to us being there.

Vampyro: Huh, you know, I was wondering the same thing. Between your yellow skin, black lips, and shriveled complexion, and my pale skin, red eyes and fangs, it's a no-brainer that they'll be a bit unnerved. But, we won't let that get between us and our mission, right?

Stitches: Mission? Oh, yeah, the mission Mr. Krabs gave us! You know, I have a feeling that he's gonna get us into trouble because of his actions.

Vampyro: You know that's right. Remember the time where we went to San Lorenzo and ran into the Senior Puss Squad?

[Flashback sound effect]

[Mr. Krabs vs Skeletons sound effect]

[Flashback sound effect]

Stitches: Huh, no wonder why we were banned from that place.

Vampyro: Dude, you were there. You forgot about it already?

Stitches: Well, once you're like me, you'd loose track of time very easily… Loose track of time very easily...

Vampyro: Whatever, let's just get on the plane.

[Plane taking off sound effect]

[One Week Later time card]

[Plane landing sound effect]

[Walking on dirt sound effect]

Vampyro: *groan* Finally! We finally made it out of that goddamn plane!

Stitches: I personally think that it was relaxing.

Vampyro: You're used to this kind of thing, I'm not. All I had to deal with was a couple of Valleygirls, some creepy pervert, and a noisy little brat! And to make the matters worse, the plane's waiters were all Spanish, so trying to get their attention didn't help the situation.

Stitches: The other two with the Valleygirls and the creep is reasonable, but the kid just didn't like Pistachios.

Vampyro: Then why did he want it in the first place?

Stitches: I dunno, you know kids today. Can't make up their minds.

Vampyro: Ugh, let's just do what other backpackers do, just walk down this lonesome trail, with nothing but the bags on our backs.

Stitches: I can live with that. But, where do Mr. Krabs want to meet us at again?

Vampyro: Ponyville, specifically, at the square. We should be there tomorrow, so we'll stop somewhere to camp out at, so don't expect a relaxing walk around nature.

[The Next Day time card]

Both: *Panting*

Vampyro: Well, that took us longer than I thought.

Stitches: *Whistling The Andy Griffith Show theme*

Vampyro: Hey, wait a minute! Why aren't you tired out?!

Stitches: I'm practically a Frankenstein abomination, I never get tired.

Vampyro: Whatever, at least we're here. Now, where is Mr. Krabs?

Stitches: … Ooh, ooh, I see him! Near the Kiss Inn.

Vampyro: Good eye, Stitches! Let's go!

[The two going over to Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs: Took ya two long enough! Now listen, the reason why I sent you two here is that there is a treasury at the Castle of Friendship. And I want you to help me break in there and take all the loot we can grab!

[Glass shatter sound effect]

[JonTron "WTF"]

Mr. Krabs: That's right, boyo! We're breaking into that castle and steal them treasures. Think about it, boys, living the good life swimming in a golden lake and showering in a billion dollar bills!

Vampyro: Uuuuuuuuh……… Mr. Krabs? You barked at us on the phone to get on a plane to Ponyville, had us suffer from a bunch of morons, had us hike for a whole day, only for us to burglarize a royal castle? Isn't that idea, well, *clears throat* illegal?

Mr. Krabs: Illegal is a strong word.

Vampyro: I doubt it.

Stitches: Can we just get this done? We're burning daylight.

Vampyro: No, no I'm not going to jail! I'd rather have a stake in the heart than to get my ass clapped!

Mr. Krabs: Sorry, you already signed a contract to join in on the job.

Vampyro: Since when?

[Flashback sound effect]

Mr. Krabs: Hey, uh, you wanna sign this contract? Cause we gotta rob a castle next week.

Vampyro: Yeah, sure whatever.

[Flashback sound effect]

Vampyro: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, FUCK!

[Later That Night time card]

[Walking on dirt sound effect]

Mr. Krabs: Alright, boyo, you got me map of the place?

Vampyro: Yeah, yeah, but I still got a bad feeling about this.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, you'll get over it. Anyway, let's take a look at the map. Mm-hm, mm-hm, alright. Okay, the treasury is down below, so it looks like we'll have to dig our way to those gold doubloons! Stitches, hand us some shovels, it's time to get diggin'!

[Digging sound effect]

Dark Reindeer: Sup guys?

[Tourettes Guy - Oh shit]

Vampyro: Uh, hey Dark, uh, w-w-we're just, uh, burying our neighbor's dog. He choked on one of Zarbon's used condoms and-

Dark Reindeer: Zarbon's not in this universe, you know? He's in DevilArtemis' videos. Now, about that dog, where is it?

Stitches: Where's what?

Dark Reindeer: The dog, mate? Where is the dog, 'cause, I don't see it.

Mr. Krabs: Well, uh, you see, it's in this bag right here.

Dark Reindeer: It's in this bag?

Mr. Krabs: Yes, it's a little decomposed, so we brought some doggie bags since the smell makes us practically vomit our guts out.

Dark Reindeer: Yet you say there's a dog in that bag, despite the fact that it's filled with tools and equipment.

Vampyro: … Well shit. Looks like he's cornered us. Might as well tell him the-

Mr. Krabs: Oh hell no, we ain't telling him shit!

Dark Reindeer: Tell me what, exactly?

Mr. Krabs: To suck deeznuts, bitch! Keep digging boys, we've got to get rid of this dead dog, it's stinking more than Taylor Swift's pussy!

Dark Reindeer: Like I heard that before. Alright, I'll be at Town Square if you need me.

Mr. Krabs: Bah, who needs that cocksucker, let's just keep digging so we can be filthy, stinking rich!

[So Much Later That The Old Narrator Got Tired Of Waiting And They Had To Hire A New One]

[Digging sound effect]

[Hitting Concrete sound effect]

Stitches: I hit something!

Mr. Krabs: Ho-ho! I bet it's the treasury! Oh, shit, these concrete blocks are movable, possibly a secret entrance!

[Stone Slide sound effect]

Mr. Krabs: *Gasps*

[Dramatic Impact 6]

Pony cop: Freeze! You're all under arrest for attempted burglary!

Mr. Krabs: How about fuck all of ya! I'm getting me gold!

Pony Cop: Hault, stop, stop!

[Taser sound effect]

[Mr. Krabs screaming - skip to 0:06]

[Can you move it along? I'm running out of time cards]

[Prison Door sound effect]

Vampyro: I called it, I fucking called it! I knew we're gonna be in so much trouble!

Mr. Krabs: Ah, quite your belly-aching, boy! It could be worse.

Vampyro: Could be worse? We're in jail because of your actions!

Mr. Krabs: Hey, don't you get hissy with me because you signed a contracted!

Vampyro: It's blacklisted, you tricked me into it! Does your daughter even sleep at night thinking that her father is a fucking crook?!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't you bring Pearl into the mi-

Prisoner: [Cut to 1:56]

Stitches: Sorry. Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed tonight's video! Be sure to like, comment, and subscribe for more of us!

Vampyro: And stay in school, cause this motherfucker doesn't teach you shit!

Mr. Krabs: Ah, fuck you!

Stitches: I'm Stitches, everyone's favorite monster, and we're offline!