LA Noire Cursed Copy

Author's Note (Read This First)
This story like all my other ones is a funnypasta, and is therefore not meant to be taken seriously. Also just to note that this story takes place before The Spyro 3 Copy From Hell and The Death of Mr Potato as such General Asquith and Police Commissioner Strickland are still alive in the story. With that out of the way I hope you enjoy the story, and please leave your thoughts and feelings down in the comment section below.

The Story
This is the story of how I died. I bet that got your attention didn't it you cheeky reader? Well this story all began on a warms summers evening in my flat in the Hammersmith District of London. I had just gotten done beating up old ladies at my small corner store when all of the sudden there was a knock at my door, and I got up to go and see who it was.

It was the gas man! "Oh lord not you!" I cried in despair. "Oh ello sexy I was just wondering if I could read your meter." The gas man said to which I replied with, "why the heck do you want to do that!?" "Well because the gas board have been getting complaints from people in this flat that they're paying too much for their gas. They've ordered me to test every meter in the complex to make sure that everything is okay." The gas man explained who then revealed his name to be Mark Desmand.

If you're wondering about my weird attitude towards Desmand, and where it stems from. I shall tell you. You see I've been stealing gas from my neighbour Mr Smelly Hound who works in the Chinese Quarter under the tutelage of Mr Chu and his lover Mr Wong. If the gas board were to uncover my secret they'd send me to prison along with my former flatmate Tony Hartfield who ate a smelly sandwich in a shopping centre on Christmas day. He was thrown into the big house on the instructions of police commissioners Sam and Max.

Anyways, Desmand headed inside the living room, and made his way over to my meter. That's when I saw it. A ps3 copy of LA Noire was sitting in his very back pocket. Why was I looking at his butt? You may be asking dear reader. Well to be honest he was hot alright. I pulled the game out of his pocket, and demanded to know what he was doing carrying such a thing.

"Well love... after I was done checking the meter at Mr Hound's flat. I was planning to head back to my house, and play this game while my son attempts to eat his vegetables." Desmand explained. "Well how's about we play it right now?" I asked curiously. "What here in this flat?" Desmand asked to which I replied with, "no in Texas of course I mean in this flat!" I rudely pushed Desmand towards the TV, and plopped the disc into my ps3.#

LA Noire for those of you unlucky gnomes not in the know is a game that chronicles the rise and fall of LAPD Detective Cole Phelps from Department golden boy to the enemy of the state. Spoiler alert he dies because of the antics of the smelly police chief Worrell. I've beaten LA Noire countless times back when me and Tony were flatmates, and this flat had class in the ass.

Also, the cover looked really weird, and had a picture of Cole drinking lemsip in a café somewhere while Baymax from Big Hero 6 was seen flying in the sky. The back of the case had a picture of District Attorney Donald Jay Sandler eating a chicken bone. Also, the cover smelt like someone who hasn't showered in 9000 years, and then ate a smelly dog named Chilly Charlie. It was also covered in weird brown stains which nearly melted my nose off completely from the horrifying smell they gave off.

So Desmand and I made ourselves on the sofa as the game began to load itself up. There were no Rockstar or Team Bondi logos instead a weird logo for a company named Rabe Maniels Incorporated was shown. "Huh? Whose Rabe Maniels?" I asked Desmand who replied with, "is your water heated by gas boiler then?" He completely ignored my question. The bastard. I wanted him dead because he stunk like Derek Pappalardo's laundry basket.

Whatever, the game finally started with the main menu which looked normal. It was so normal that I actually died... but then came back because I needed to eat my Weetabix to keep me going. While making them Desmand told me that he had already beaten all the cases on the Patrol Desk, and that he had just started the first case on Traffic.

I came back into the living room, and proceeded to violently eat my cereal while Desmand let the opening cutscene of the first case: "The Driver's Seat," play out in it's entirety. It was odd to say the least. Cole kept farting violently, and the commander looked like Chris from Family Guy. Also after Cole is introduced to Stefan Bekowsky, Roy Earle did not appear to make fun of Cole like he normally did. Instead Cole began making out with the commander which disgusted Stefan who wanted Cole all to himself.

The captain of the Traffic Department was James Donnelly instead of Gordon Leary, and he had a Jamaican accent instead of his normal Irish one. As soon as Cole and Stefan entered the room, Donnelly turned to them, and yelled, "boys go down to Woolworths, and get me a toaster." "Righto Skips Pips." Cole said as the cutscene ended.

"The fuck was that!?" I asked angrily. "What's wrong?" Desmand asked to which I replied with, "this is not how this game is supposed to act." "Oh calm down love. Look the thing is... I shouldn't tell you this, but this is actually an early reel of the game." Desmand explained to which I questioned, "what do you mean early reel?" Desmand sniffed his pooey fingers before saying, "my wife works at Rockstar Games, and they supplied her with an early reel of the game. Hence why it is so different."

So back to the game... Cole was um shopping at Woolworths with Stefan as they picked out the perfect toaster for Donnelly. They got it, and then drove it back to Central Police Station where Donnelly yelled, "you got the wrong fucking toaster boys!" He gave Stefan a big glass of scotch while Cole cried because he had a real hard on for that salty captain you see on a can of Birdseye's Mushy Peas. You know the ones where he's winking at the camera, and smoking a pipe. I'm getting distracted. I don't apologize for that. How can I anyway? I'm dead remember?

After this the case ended, and moved straight onto the next one, "A Marriage Made In Heaven." This case was semi-normal with Cole and Stefan investigating the death of Lester Patterson as normal. Though somethings were off like Mel Caruthers not being present being replaced by Dr Carrot, and they actually charged the driver with the crime instead of Lester's wife Lorna and her undercover lover Leroy Sabo. So then the next case: "The Fallen Idol," and the case was so fucking glitchy.

I mean seriously. Cole kept saying, "easy Cole easy pole," and Stefan just wouldn't follow him. Cole would yell for Stefan to follow him, but he just wouldn't budge. Then the game cut to a clip of a man eating Kellogg's Cornflakes in his kitchen. A male voice in the background could be heard asking, "do you remember what happens when you eat Kellogg's Cornflakes?" Again and again in an overly serious tone. Then Squidward's face came on screen, and he said, "eating apples Spongey Bob?" He then did his trademark laugh.

At this point I had gotten pissed off, and demanded that Desmand switch the game off. "No can do Richie," Desmand said, and I asked, "how do you know my name?" Desmand proceeded to explain that his bosses at the gas board had a file on me, and my crazy antics. I then asked if we could possibly play a less glitchy case, and Desmand explained that since this was an early reel/beta all the cases were already unlocked straight from the gecko.

"Bastard." I said while hitting Desmand on the head with a frying pan repeatedly for smelling so bad. Whatever, I headed onto a case selection screen which had a horrifying picture of Rap Rat in the background smoking cheese. I selected the second case of the Homicide desk entitled, "The Golden Butterfly."

The case started like normal with Rusty Galloway getting a call from Donnelly asking for him and Cole to come to a crime scene. When they got there the usual cutscene played with Donnelly telling them about the woman who had been murdered, and that he wanted daily reports. He also talked about how he really craved a piece of spotted dick.

"Weird," I said to myself as the game did a random time cut to the part where Cole interrogates Hugo Muller. "What size shoe do you wear Mr Muller?" Cole asked like normal. Then the game froze again, and a picture of some random dudes came on the screen. Luckily it froze for long enough for me to see who they all were.

It was a picture of some bald head guy, District Attorney Donald Sandler, Governor Phil Green, Desmand, and Harry Gaye Editor-In-Chief of the Daily Otter Newspaper. They were having tea consisting of spotted dick and ham. "Uh Desmand since when you were friends with the DA and Governor Phil Green?" I asked when all of the sudden Desmand put a gun to my head, and said, "keep playing if you know what's good for you."