Katz's Unfiltered Rant on Cat Haters

What happened to you people? Your way of cat ownership was charming and sometimes funny when it came to the internet. Now your way of cat ownership is one of the most insufferable things I have ever seen. I mean, there's generosity towards animals, and then there's just... being whatever the hell happened to you! Not only does it feel like you got hit in the head with a shovel about fifty times, but that wasn't enough, you're now the biggest asshole this side of Coppercab! You people weren't like that! You're the cat's best friend, now you generally hate the little guy, with a passion! Provided, you can even FEEL emotions like hate! If animals don't understand morality (which they do sometimes) then you don't fucking care about it!

All right, I'm gonna make a couple of rules this time around. These are what I found to be scientific facts from stupid dumbasses, or jerkish smartasses, of their own volition. I am disqualifying YouTubers when there's a reasonable catalyst, like Cracked and many others. If you want to see where they land, if you can already guess, wait until The Shadow Reader makes a video out of this...



1. People are allergic
Some people are allergic to cats; I get it. But if something is constantly making you sneeze or hindering your ability to breathe, should you REALLY want it out of your house? Of course not, their family. But these dickheads seem to not get the picture! Throwing your cat out the house is against the law, it's called Animal Cruelty, look it up! Think about it for a minute, what if it's the middle of Winter, your cat is literally freezing it's ass off, skeleton showing due to starvation, and begging to be let back in! And you're just sitting there like, "Meh, it's got fur. It'll live." Uuh, no, it'll not! They'll starve and freeze to death. All thanks to you're stupidity!

2. Cats can't do tricks
The thing is, though, that dogs need to be trained to do tricks. You do not, on the other hand, have to train a cat to use the litter box, or clean itself. It's a thing called Common sense, it's like they're smart enough to train themselves. And smart enough to sniff out a LIAR. Cause what people say about cats shitting on the floor, is a bunch of bullshit! And that's what it is, a bunch of lies, just because they think people are dumb enough to trust them! Well, if they think so, then WHY ARE THEY NOT BUYING IT?! Ever thought about that?! Clearly not, because you're a fucking idiot! Moving on!

3. Cats are mean
Not all cats are mean. Why I know this? Because of experience, like what these pricks are lacking. Like humans, cats have different personalities. Some are mean and anti-social, some are easygoing and loving. Even the meanest of cats can warm up to you. As said by my best friend, The Shadow Reader, animals are NOT human. THEY don't understand what your feelings are until they get used to YOU! NOT the other way around! That's not what Animal Planet or the Discovery Channel is all about! GROW A FUCKING BRAIN!!

4. They don't come when you call
Again, cats are like humans, they DO come to you, only when they want to. Why don't you know this? It's because YOU'RE AN UNLIKABLE ASSHOLE!

5. Cat litter is disgusting
That's because YOU'RE AN UNLIKABLE ASSHOLE! With no remorse or empathy!

6. Cats have Toxoplasmosis
They're saying that on purpose. They've been saying that on purpose. Everything on this list is completely intentional. They know they're cat haters, or at least they think they're cat haters. Unlike dog haters, this effects the media afterwards. Even more so than the other medias before that. I stand strong in my statement; people like this are more of a monster Jeffery Dahmer ever was.

They've become sociopaths: blinds the facts that other animals have the same fucking parasite, and their actions can (and will) do harm to cats around them. Cats that they pretended to care about, cats that they used to share fake laughter with, cats they pretend to cry for, it's a thing that people share this grotesque cancer with!

7. Cats are arrogant
GOD…DAMN THIS HURTS SO MUCH! Look, this isn’t "Cats & Dogs" where cats try and take over the world, this is the real world! And why are you getting so fed up with cats? What did they ever do to you?! Outside of that, all the cats in the world are pure innocents, so how is this bad? Where did the punishments come from?

Here's some more information, just to clear things up: While cats are small, dominant behavior in cats can, indeed, cause big problems. Dominant cats can become threatening to other pets in the household. Dominant cats will swat at, pounce on, growl at, hiss at, scratch and bite other animals. They may steal other pets’ food and toys, acting out the way a bully would. If this type of behavior is not discouraged and dealt with quickly, cats can turn their behavior towards the people in the household.

That meaning, you have to actually Do Shit to prevent this from happening, not sit around all day expecting it to "magically" stop on it's own, dumbass!

9. Cats make you more stupid
Who doesn’t love a cat video? As a nation, we are obsessed, sharing more than 3.8 million cat pictures and videos every day. That is more than twice the number of 1.4 million selfies!

The online explosion has even helped to cut the number of strays. According to research from the Battersea Dogs & Cats Home, the recent spike in feline adoption stems directly from our love of cat videos.

But why are they so popular?

Viral expert Matt Smith, co-founder of the Viral Factory, believes it is partly because cats are so acrobatic.

He says: ''“Properly nourished cats and kittens love to jump and play around, and so, on a basic level, they are very entertaining to watch. They climb and balance and perform amazing feats. We are mesmerized by their agility.”''

Cat owners have always enjoyed recording and photographing their pets. The trend can be traced back to the 1980s - with the advent of cheap, affordable cameras – before the internet as such existed.

10. Cats Won’t Make Eye Contact With You
… Really? Consequently, when we punish our cats, they won’t understand it. They won’t connect the punishment to the bad behavior. As a result, all they see and feel is their human being randomly cruel to them. They connect the punishment to the one who’s doing the punishment, rather than to the behavior.

This can obviously result in a number of negative issues. Plus, punishments don’t help because they don’t teach a cat what he or she should do instead. The main takeaway? When it comes to cats, punishments do more harm than good. So stop being a spoiled brat, AND GROW THE FUCK UP!!

Do you know how much effort you need to put into becoming the worst human being on Planet Earth, than someone who gleefully drives someone to suicide? Worse than someone who stalks and harasses people? 'DO YOU?! It takes some serious, fucking, talent! And some bottom-of-the-barrel thinking!

11. Cats Think You Are Completely Incapable
Are these people talking dogs? Cause this is NOT how cats work!

It’s an all-too-familiar story for the owners of indoor-outdoor cats: You open the door to let the Kitty in for dinner and what does she bring with her? A dead rodent, of course.

Such impolite behavior leaves many cat owners scratching their heads. Why, after all, would your cat need to kill her meals when that bowl of Friskies is filled to the brim? Is she just a whole lot meaner than she looks?

Before determining that their cat is simply a cold-blooded killer, cat owners should understand a few facts about what's driving their pet's behavior.

Cats are, first and foremost, natural-born hunters, as recent studies of the effects that feral and indoor-outdoor cats have on bird and rodent populations have shown. Cats allegedly kill billions of small animals every year in the United States alone. But that doesn’t make them evil — just extremely well-adapted to a carnivorous lifestyle.

Though they were first domesticated nearly 10,000 years ago, cats retain the keen hunting instincts of their wild ancestors, as well as the simple gut that allows them to digest raw meat.

However, many cats don't eat their prey, and sometimes they don't even kill it. (If you've ever had to chase an injured squirrel out of your kitchen, then you've seen this behavior firsthand.) Spayed female cats are the most likely to bring gory gifts to their owners. But they have their reasons.

In the wild, cat mothers teach their young how to eat their food by bringing home dead or injured prey. Domestic cats are no different. But in this modern age of spayed domestic cats, many female felines have no young to whom they need to pass on their hunting wisdom.

By leaving a dead animal on the back porch, your cat is acting out its natural role as mother and teacher. You, her loving owner, represent her surrogate family. And frankly, she knows you would never have been able to catch that delicious mouse on your own.

So before you chastise your cat for her deadly habits, consider what her behavior really means. From eating to using the litter box.

In other words:



12. Cats Are The Favored Pets of Witches
As Winifred Sanderson would put it...

"Makes me SICK!"

13. Cats Make You Clean Up Their Crap
As said on number two, pure, bullshit.

14. Cats Think Humans Absolutely Stink
When it comes to personal hygiene, cats are the epitome of cleanliness. They are naturally equipped with the implements to groom themselves: a barbed tongue with which to lick, forepaws they moisten with saliva and use as a surrogate washcloth, and teeth to dig out tougher debris. Believe it or not, adult cats may spend as much as half of their waking hours grooming themselves, their relatives and friends.

Mothers begin licking their kittens, right after birth, to clean them, stimulate them to release urine and feces, rouse them to suckle, and provide comfort. Kittens usually begin grooming themselves when they are about 4 weeks old. At 5 weeks of age, kittens also begin grooming their littermates, as well as their mom. Mutual grooming amongst littermates, called allogrooming, often continues into adulthood. Allogrooming is a social activity that serves to strengthen the bond.

If you’ve ever watched a cat groom her face, you’ve probably noticed the highly stereotyped manner in which she does it: first saliva is applied to the inside of one paw, then, using an upward circular motion, the cat begins rubbing her nose with her paw from back to front. The cat will then reapply saliva to that paw and, using semi-circular motions, groom behind the corresponding ear, the back of the ear, the forehead and over the eye. When finished with one side, the process is repeated with the other paw on the other side of the head. After the head is clean, the cat grooms the front legs, shoulders, flanks, anogenital area, hind legs, and tail with long strokes of the tongue. The order of body parts may vary, and not all of these areas are necessarily groomed in one sitting.

Conclusion: stay away from cats
Oh, and I suppose that's your half-assed little message at the end, right? Mm-hmm, yeah, huh, no, it's good, it's very good, very good—You-you do a good job, you do a g-g-good job, people…(indistinct) It's only 45 minutes; it felt like eternity but, you know, you did good. I just so love it—everything, all the scientists who did all of this and everything about it was so good; (voice turns high-pitched) I just love you, it's so good. I just love you, it's so good—everything; I love it! (indistinct) …cat haters…



You are making our cats look like undisciplined asses! I mean, lemme get this straight.

Cats are stuck-up, psychotic, and about as trustworthy as a 1940s film noir femme fatale. While Dogs on the other hand, are waggy-tailed brown-nosers who save children from drowning cause, why the fuck was this kid drowning in the first place?! And your telling me that instead of taking over the world, they're hunting mice like crazy... Which is kind of natural for them to do! Oh don't go blowing up them hospitals, you go chase that mouse, private! And now your telling me, face-to-face, that cats are trying to control us, with Toxoplasmosis?!

(Katz's just about boiling mad and is about to get out of character)

You know...dick. Cause that's what you are, a fucking dick. When you show this image of a cat after so much abuse, abandoned, alone, and it's life destroyed... you're not just showing your dollar store symbolism that says "ooh, a cat's hurt." But, it's very clear that what is important to you is not how you view animal cruelty. What is important to you is how others see you viewing animal cruelty. So, you can make up whatever you want. You can fabricate things, you can lie about animals. You can exaggerate, you can glorify, you can demonize, you can distort the facts. You can make up the truth. Make up the truth about cats who lost their lives in this world. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that you fucking love cats.

I'm sorry! I don't fuck around with cats! I don't, okay? Some cats who have lost their lives, cats who have been abused, cats who have been abandoned by their owners, cats putting their asses on the line in this world, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to show that! And, I know what you're thinking, yeah, you're thinking, "Well, I think cats are no-good pieces of shit." And granted, you don't deserve the responsibility to show us that cats are evil. You don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when you take it upon yourself to show something that important, you have to show these people that you care. You have to get it right, people! You have to get it right! Because this, this isn't Cats & Dogs, okay? That's kid's shit, you can do whatever you want. They're not The Miz from WWE! They're not Sean Connery saying "winners fuck the prom queen!" No, they're fucking cats! Reality! Animal cruelty actually happens! And I know you're thinking, "Well, they're cats, they're evil." Fuck you, they're not evil! When you take it upon yourself to show these heartbreaking events and is still painful and hurts a lot of people, that means you have to do two things. One, you have to grow up and be an adult! Two, you have to actually represent these cats as best as humanly possible, YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!! (He takes some time to calm down from that throat peeling scream)

I'm...terribly sorry for my outrage; it was childish and immature... But, I get, a little peeved when it comes to cat haters.

So, if you're on the receiving end, you might respond by reminding these cunts that you know a cat who could come and suck their breath away while they're sleeping, so they should be careful. Of all the most dastardly things people say about cats, here are some of the most common.

1. "I like dogs better because they're more friendly."

When people say this or something similar, they don't seem to realize they're essentially asserting that you don't like friendly animals. It's true that cats don't generally come running with sloppy kisses whenever you come home from work. Instead, they often enter the same room (if they come in at all) and assess the situation, which dog lovers often interpret as standoffishness. Cats aren't aloof as much as they're more circumspect, dignified and discerning.

2. "I can tell you have cats."

As a cat owner, you may indeed have a cat hair on your sweater. One response might be, "Yeah, you'll have that." It's something you experience when you own a cat, just as you sometimes have toys in the living room when there are kids in the house. But as Vet Street comments:

"If you say this when you're walking into a cat owner's home while wrinkling up your nose, you might as well just walk on out again. You're not welcome there, even with your assurances that cats don't really bother you, because I'm willing to bet that you and your bad manners bother everyone living there. Cats included."1

3. "You might be turning into one of those crazy cat ladies!"

People who make such comments might think they're being funny, but it does seem to be a veiled insult. What constitutes "crazy" when it's connected to a lady (or man) who has a soft spot for cats? And who is it that determines what crazy looks like in this instance? It might be interesting to ask just what is meant by that statement.

There are millions of cat owners out there, but those who are certifiable (like the ones who show up on the evening news) are rare, and sometimes even heroic. Liking cats doesn't make anyone crazy any more than liking dogs or any other animal does. It's quite rude, whether the person saying it realizes it or not.

4. "If I had cats, I wouldn't let them get on the counters."

You may immediately think, "Well, good for you. We'll get you a gold star for that." The reality is, cats are cats, not humans, and people with such outspoken sentiments may not realize it's something you're dealing with and not choosing to make an issue out of it in front of people. It's basically tantamount to telling someone how to raise their kids or keep their house clean, which is not cool.

5. "I could never have a cat because I'm allergic"

Perhaps the best thing to do is express sympathy, because pet allergies can really be a pain, and it's indeed too bad they're unable to experience the awesomeness of having a kitty in their household. However, it's surprising how many cat owners do have an allergy, but have learned how to manage it because they can't give up their kitties! Ways to do that include:

Stop biologically inappropriate foods and start a species-appropriate diet. I've had dozens of houseguests over the years comment that although they're terribly allergic to cats, they are surprisingly fine at my house. I can thank my cats' raw food for that bonus. Bathing your kitty thoroughly with a mild, organic shampoo, perhaps once a week Have a systematic cleaning routine to get rid of cat dander by dust-mopping, vacuuming and/or laundering furniture, drapes and cat beds, etc. Use an ionic air purifier Make the bedroom of the allergic person a cat-free zone Give cats optimal levels of omega-3 fatty acids in his food to reduce shedding and dander

6. "Cats are always so lazy."

Every cat owner knows cats have a secret life that outsiders know nothing about, which may involve literal flights of fancy when they're chasing their favorite ball, catnip mouse or milk carton ring. Unless they're old and more inclined to ease back in their dotage, cats can have a rich nocturnal life that can be hilarious (and admittedly, exasperating at times). But just like people, cats do enjoy some down time.

Such comments make it clear you're in the presence of someone exhibiting a sad lack of knowledge on the subject of which they speak. You can be patient with them if you wish.

7. "Where will the cat go when the baby comes?"

While there are those who can't understand how people with small children can have cats in the house, it's a little-known fact that in households that include pets, babies have fewer allergies, even later in life. Additionally, having a cat in the household can also help teach small children how to understand and respect animals, but that, of course, requires close supervision and guidance, especially on the part of the child. Also, as Vet Street cautions:

"Old wives' tales about cats 'stealing' a baby's breath or smothering a baby while he's sleeping are unfounded. Regardless, babies and young children should never be left unsupervised with any pet, be it a dog, cat, guinea pig, or a hermit crab." (What the fuck does a hermit crab want with a baby???)

Anyway, Healthy Pets.com has copied quotes from an individual who asserts that cats are "selfish, unfeeling, environmentally harmful creatures," which breaks down some of the most common — and most mean-spirited — assumptions: that your cat probably doesn't love you, isn't really showing you affection and might be driving you crazy.

Don't believe any of it. We own cats because we know they're adorable, understand their quirks to be no worse than anyone else's and not some diabolical plot, as Steve Martin used to say, to steal your checks out of the mailbox and cash them in to go buy cat toys, which you can't return because they have cat spit all over them.

In reality, cats can be cozy comforters who may have a sixth sense to stay near when you're having an "off" day, are not afraid to concede an emotional connection with you, miss you when you're gone even if they'd never admit it and have very naturally taken over part of the household, just as other family members do. It's really rather ironic when you think about it. People who have no cats have no idea what they're missing.

But, cat haters, I have three words to summarize this little rant: GO. TO. HELL.