The New Secret- A Lost Curious George Beta Tape (Curious George 1991)

Hi. How was your day? Mine was utter shit. I woke up this morning drenched in piss... That's right, I am not afraid to admit it, I am a bed wetter. Be judgmental all you want, I gave up giving a shit a long time ago.

Anyways, I ate some breakfast, fed my dog Bill Walsh, and went on my usual morning commute, working as a trash man. It's a dull job, exactly 93.4527% of the time. I'm also a genius mathematician who has been kicked out of every university I've lectured at because I stole chalk from the classrooms. Fricken little craps ratted me out every time. I grew up loving the Curious George franchise, still owning my original George toys to this very day. Anyway, enough about me.

I happen to stop by Universal Studios on my usual route, but nothing interesting has come from their dumps until today when I stumbled across a certain VHS tape at the bottom of their dumpster. "THE NEW SECRET, 1982" was scribbled in black sharpie with the words "PLEASE DESTROY -JCM :)" under it scrawled in silver sharpie. "JCM" standing for director of Curious George, John Clark Matthews. Under that was "P.S. WE NEED MORE SHARPIES" written in black crayon. "Did I just come across an clay version of Curious George?" I muttered to myself. I got a massive boner from this amazing find, hiding the tape in my coat pocket along with my large and hard George.

After finishing my job for the day, I hurried home and popped this fantastic tape in my VHS player while popping myself some Wonderful Pistachios, cooking a Christmas ham, and reheating some leftover burgers from McDonalds, ground beef smothered in taco seasoning, shredded lettuce, diced tomato, sour cream, and a delicious coating of melted cheese. All of the listed food items that I prepared I previously found in various dumpsters while I worked. You never know what you'll end up smuggling from random trash bins when you're a trash man. Anyway, after preparing a meal fit for a king, I sat down with my food on my sofa along with a Pepsi and pressed play on my VHS player.

The words "The New Secret" appeared in white text against a black background with what sounded like Jack Johnson singing an old school version of Upside down, but it sounded like he was singing it in a raspy tone, taking small rests in between verses to burp rather loudly. There was some metallic clanging in the background as well. I was already wondering what the fuck was going on at this point. I continued out of curiosity as to what unfolds from here on out. The screen faded in to The man with the yellow lab coat taking care of a clay version of George. It looked like the claymatio of George that everyone has seen, but the quality of the animation was lower, like the characters were on strings being controlled by a retarded human with palsy. The camera panned out to reveal that the man was careing with Gorge during his lunch break. His lunch consisted of Wonderful Pistachios, a Christmas ham, and several McDonalds burritos. I gasped at the screen, quickly shaking it off as a coincidence. I pressed on.

the man went to go help his wive with something, leaving George alone in the room. He came to life immediately, materializing a piece of chalk from his holster. This made my heart drop several times over. "Someone's been stealing chalk around these parts!" He said. It sounded like Chuck Norris doing a gruff voice with a thick Texas accent. It's been said that George was more mean spirited in the old drafts of Curious George, but what happened next made me understand why this was never to be seen by anyone outside of Universal. George took Man with the yellow hat out of his newly unwrapped box and proceeded to draw a dick on his forehead with the piece of chalk while laughing sinisterly. "WHO'S THE DICKHEAD NOW, YELLOWMAN?" George shouted with nothing short of what I could describe as evil, twisted enjoyment. I was more mortified by the fact that they fucking swore in this cartoon.

The man tried removing the white chalky cock from his forehead, but to no avail. It cut back to George, but his head was a crude low-poly Clay model of Chuck Norris' head. "YOU WILL BE A DICK TO INFINITY AND BEYOND, MIDGET!" George howled in an almost demonic tone. When it cut back to The man, he was a winner with Man with the yellow hat's face pasted on it. He looked clearly offended, and screamed " YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, MONKEY!" He sounded more like Jim Carrey than Tim Allen, and sounded more like a superhero. It cut back to George, back to normal. He took out his furry Dick and slapped the man across the face with it, who was also back to normal at this point, albeit some strange realistic red liquid dripped from his nose and left ear. George turned and scowled at the camera, his eyes seemingly following my movements. I spat out my Dr Pepper in a comedic spit take when this happened. "This town ain't big enough for the two of us... " He said as the tape began to sputter. I heard some rattling coming from my bedroom and what sounded like some tiny footsteps. I immediately dismissed the sounds coming from my bedroom as my dog Bill Walsh tapdancing again. I finished my wonderful pistachios and threw it across the room, into my kitchen, in the trash can. It then cut to the next scene.

It was an old version of the Renkins scene, but it was called RenPutt, all the farmers were playing heys and eating their boogers. The man with the yellow lab coat comes along, getting The man with the yellow hat and George out of the box game. He cracked an evil retarded smile before it cut to the man with the yellow lab coat torturing the two people. Odd thing is, while the man was torturing them, they were alive during it. the man with the yellow hat had his arms and legs ripped off from an aparatus that the man with the yellow lab coat made, kind of like the Saw trap that ripped that man's limbs off. Th man with the yellow hat was clearly screaming, but his voice was replaced with the sound of nails on a chalkboard. George wasn't screaming, seemingly not feeling any pain whatsoever as the man with the yellow lab coat popped George's head from his body, his head on one of those control stick things that ventriloquist clay have to control their face. the man started controlling the stick, making George's mouth open and close. He started mocking the monkey. "HI! I'M A MONKEY! I EAT BANANAS EVEN THOUGH MY ANCESTORS MASSACRED A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM TO TAKE OVER 'MURICA!" I was shocked by this. The last thing I expected from the man is for him to have a political agenda of any kind, being a 21 year old guy. the man proceeded to slap George across the face with a Christmas ham. There was some loud rustling coming from just beyond me, in the kitchen. My trash can then fell over seemingly by itself. Bill never goes through my trash as I've told him in the past that it's not polite to go through other people's garbage. Oh, what a hypocrite I am. I saw what seemed like a small, brown, baby-sized monkey feet sticking out from behind my trash can. I shrugged it off as one of Bill's tapdancing shoes. The tape continued.

The man with the yellow lab coat took George and The man with the yellow hat outside in pieces, dumping gasoline all over them and striking a match, repeating his lines from the final movie. "Roger, permission granted, we are confirmed at T-minus 10 seconds... and counting... 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2..." but before he got to one, George's headless body pulled a knife out of hammerspace, slowly walking towards The man with the yellow lab coat, knife raised. the man screamed hyperrealisticly as he took off running. What followed was 10 straight minutes of the man running around his yard as fast as he can while George's body slowly walked towards the man, just like a horror movie. George was somehow keeping up with the man as he is walking at a slow creep as the man was running at what seemed like 999mph. In fact I took out my handy dandy radar speed gun and held it in front of the TV, and I was right. 999 miles per hour. I was petrified at this demonic tape and the contents within, but my love for Curious George is stronger than my disgust for this tape, so I continued, sipping on my Dr. Mr. Pibb-Pepper and sinking my teeth into a buger, already having finished my Christmas ham. George passed by his head, placing it back on, although it's very wobbly so it looks like George has some type of neurological disorder. the man tired himself out, falling to the ground with a thud with so much bass in it there is no way it came from my TV speakers. I realized my 7.1 surround sound stereo system was suspiciously turned on by an unseen force. I could've sworn I spotted a monkey peeking from around the subwoofer, but it could've been the head I used as part of my Monkey George cosplay at a local convention. There were also large dicks drawn on the chalkboard I keep in my bedroom. I know I never drew them, I only draw everything on my chalkboard. George said to the man "This town ain't big enough for the two of us..." in a gurgly, death-sounding manner. George drove the knife into the mans chest, highly realistic pistachios poured from his open wound as George and the man with the yellow hat laughed demonically. The tape stopped there, automatically rewinding, signifying that the tape did in fact end.

I sat back in my seat, finishing my last buger and throwing the wrapper onto my ottoman. I felt something sit beside me. Slowly, painfully slowly, I turned my head towards the opposite seat on my sofa. There beside me, sat a clay version of George. He was munching on pistachios at the bottom of my bag of popcorn that I previously properly disposed of. Not to mention his crotch region was twice as large as he was. "THEY DON'T CALL ME GEORGE FOR NUTHIN!" He chuckled, beginning to choke on a pistachios that he inhaled. He gave himself a heimlich maneuver, What a fucking dick. I had enough and jerked the pistachio away from him, throwing it away once again, and was about to call 9-1-1 on this plastic, midget-sized house invader who was obviously trying to get high off of Viagra. He pulled down his pants revealing that his dick was actually a 30 inch piece of chalk in the shape of a cock. He drew a dick on the crotch area of my pants and said "NOW YOU GOT A GEORGE!" He laughed maniacally, swinging his chalky cock around in circles. Son of a bitch. I was done dicking around with his trashy escapades and chalked all this up to being a nightmare. George noticed that I certainly didn't find his jokes to be savory in any meaning of the word. He took out a baseball bat and slammed me across the head with it, knocking me out cold.

When I woke up, I was in what seemed to be the man with the yellow lab coats lab from the tape I just watched. As I came to some more, I realized that A, I pissed myself in my sleep, and B, that it was just George redecorating my own kitchen to look like the man with the yellow lab coat's. He had wallpaper for the walls, new table, everything. I realized that this monster needed to be stopped. I comedically tiptoed out of the room just as George was finishing up applying the wallpaper. I heard George scream wildly, knocking over stuff in my room. "WHERE IS THE MAN WITH THE YELLOW LAB COAT?" He was screaming out loud. "I GOTTA FIND THE MAN WITH THE YELLOW LAB COAT!" How the fuck did he know my name was the man with the yellow lab coat? He came out into the living room just as I retrieved the tape. Upon seeing me with the tape with obviously hostile intentions in mind, George's eyes rolled back into his head, his arms and legs falling off. He grew spider legs and razor-sharp teeth, lunging at me with incredibly high speed. Luckily I have the reflexes of a dog as my very own Bill Walsh taught me, and was able to smash the tape in the ground before George could get to me. He screamed with the voice of what I can only call Satanic, before he exploded into Pepsi vanilla all over my floor. That asshole. The only soda I drink is Dr. Pepper. I sighed in relief, believing it was all over. That was until I heard a rustling within the closet where I keep old belongings. Out comes The man with the yellow motherfucking hat. He had a printed out picture of the Lenny Face pasted on his head and threw a copy of Curious George on DVD at my head. Sincerely fucking pissed off at this point, and taking advantage of his visual handicap, I spun him around several times before leading him out the front door. He walked into the sunset, carrying pieces of chalk and drawing dicks on the sidewalk, flipping the middle finger to elderly women and to really anyone who called him a midget, because that term is apparently offensive.

A word of advice to fellow trashmen and women out there. Do not pick up any VHS tapes you may see in dumpsters, especially if they are found outside of movie studios. And never steal chalk, for it will haunt you for the rest of your life.