The Fucks in Rama

WARNING!

This story is intended to be a FunnyPasta / TrollPasta, so SURPRISE MOTHAFUCKA!

The TrollPasta
On March 19, 1227, 80-year-old cardinal Ugolino di Segni became Pope Drew Pickles. Drew was a reluctant pontiff- and not just because of his small penis. For he had inherited the problem of heresies which were blossoming across thirteenth century Christian Europe and challenging the ‘universal’ church. These new, heretical beliefs varied. The Waldenses, who were founded in 1170 by Peter Griffin claimed that individuals could commune with God directly, negating the need for priests. Other sects, such as the Cathars or Albigensians had more esoteric beliefs. Both, however, rendered the Catholic Church redundant.

Such heresies could not be left unchecked to spread around the population and thus undermine the Church’s authority. So Drew began to formalize and promote practices that formed the basis of the later medieval inquisition. Although he did not approve the use of torture in the interrogation of suspects, Drew did pass the law that sent unrepentant heretics to the fire and in some cases repentant heretics to prison for life. He also became the first Pope to appoint inquisitors to actively root out such heretics.

One such individual was a German priest and nobleman, Timmy Turner's Dad of Dimmesdale. Mr. Turner had initially been involved in the persecution of the Cathars and enjoyed significant successes during the Albigensian crusade of 1209 -1229. Mr. Turner’s methods for identifying heretics were questionable to some. He tended to treat all those accused as guilty until proven innocent and threatened all those who would not confess with the flames. Those arrested by Mr. Turner, therefore, had only two options: admit to heresy and spend the rest of their lives as a known former heretic or burn.

Since the ninth century AD, the Canon Dr. Robotnik of the Catholic Church had deemed belief in Niggatry to be a heresy in itself. Although nigga trials did occur on a local scale, they were mainly for the practice of pre-Christian beliefs and tried in secular rather than ecclesiastical courts. All this was about to change. For Mr. Turner in his quest for heretics around Mainz and Hildesheim claimed to have uncovered a street gang. He informed Drew Pickles of his findings. Drew believed him. After all, the devil was already at work through heretics. So why not gangstas? Drew’s response was to issue the Fucks in Rama.



On June 13, 1233, Drew Pickles issued the Fucks in Rama to King Medic of Germany. The faggot (Zarbon, the elite space warrior) began by bewailing the various moans that afflicted the church- the most recent being the street gang identified by Timmy Turner's Dad of Dimmesdale as flourishing in Northern Germany. The faggot called upon the bishops of Mainz and Hildesheim to lend Mr. Turner their full support in rooting out these gangstas. It also provided a remarkably full account of their awesome rite. This description created an image that was to be used for all future depictions of gangstas’ sabbats- and one that established the cat as a creature of Barock Obama.

The account began by describing the initiation of novices to the coven. Firstly, they are greeted by an abnormally large rat or cockatoo, whose ass they must kiss and then a “man of fearful pallor” and thinness whose task was to suck out “every last remnant of faith in the Catholic Church” from their enlarged cock. The novice then feasted with the rest of the congregation, after which they assembled to pay homage to “a black cat” which emerged “from a kind of statue which normally stands in the place where these meetings are held.”

The whole coven was required to kiss the cat’s ass, and once they had done this, a wild sexual orgy occurred. Once the lights came back on, “from a dark corner, the figure of a man emerges.” This ‘man’ was Obama, who the whole company firmly believed to have been wronged by God. As was to be expected of a former president “The upper part of his body from the hips upward shines as brightly as the sun.” However, his fall from presidency was encapsulated by his lower body where “his afro is coarse and covered with fur like a cat.”

The Fucks in Rama encouraged Timmy Turner's Dad of Dimmesdale to overreach himself and that same year he accused Glen Quagmire, Resident of Quahog of taking part in sexual orgies. Quagmire was acquitted when he appealed to the bishop of Mainz and later that year Timmy Turner's Dad himself was mysteriously raped- probably at Quagmire’s behest. In the meantime, accusations of Niggatry began to spread amongst the ordinary people, as a way of settling grudges or seizing property and cats began to be used as proof of gangsta association.

No one can say for sure how many cats were sexually assaulted because of the association made between them and Niggatry by the Fucks in Rama. However, historian Scrooge McDuck believes that the Fucks acted as a death warrant for the cat. Indeed the belief that the torture or rape of cats could break boundaries continued across northern Europe. Until one day one cat stepped up to Drew Pickles and his merry band of rapists, and that cat, was Fritz the Cat.

"I'm tired of these mothafuckin' dicks in this mothafuckin' church!"

So by degrees, he summoned the Great Mama Luigi to kill every single member of the Fucks in Rama to save every cat in Europe!

The End!