VeggieTales 1993 (Rewritten)

If you were to go back in time to wrong a mistake you made in the past, what would it be? Where would you go? What would you do to change it? Will you make the same mistake twice? Honestly, I wish I could do that after I made this big mistake, no no, I didn’t murder anyone, nor did I commit a felony or cause a relationship to be destroyed, it might sound petty and not very important, but it has to do with something that relates to media. Let me explain.

I’m a Christian. I’ve been one since I was a teen, the reason I became one in the first place was because of my Aunt and Uncle, who are hardcore Messianics. I take it seriously, but I’m not as crazy about it as my aunt and uncle are, sometimes they think even the smallest thing that has to do with the devil could corrupt me and cause a demon to enter our very pure house, but I think it’s kind of ridiculous. I mean, I don’t think the devil would be that up-front about his schemes. But that’s not really the point, because what this story is about has to do with something Christian related, particularly, a piece of media. VeggieTales. Now now, I know, “Why is a grown man talking about a show where vegetables tell lessons from the bible?” you may ask. One word. Nostalgia. VeggieTales was a show I would watch, no pun intended, religiously, ever since I was very young. As a young boy, I not only watched this silly show constantly, but I had a decent amount of merchandise as well, nothing major, just a decent collection of DVD's, and even a handful of the VHS tapes (Yes, I still own a VCR), but as I got older, I've grown out of the show, like growing out of snuggling with a teddy bear, I thought it was too much of a "kiddy" thing to do, and lemme get this out of the way, the show itself has decreased in quality from where I left off, seriously, what is with that piece of shit “In The House” show?

And that’s where the story begins. So you want to know what I wanna regret, right? Well, it all started when I went into the attic to do some cleaning, and in a box, I found the unthinkable. My old VeggieTales DVD’s and VHS tapes. All of a sudden, the memories kept flooding back. This sudden influx of nostalgia made me take the box downstairs and put it in my room. I looked through the collection pretty closely, and I realized that I didn’t have as much DVD’s as I thought I did when I was younger, maybe my aunt and uncle took the rest of them, who knows? However, the one I immediately noticed was missing was the very first episode, “Where’s God When I’m S-scared?”. I thought to myself, “You know, if I’m gonna relive some childhood memories, I might want to start with the first ever episode. I mean, it would be more organized.” And besides, VeggieTales DVD’s run pretty cheap online, I could get most of the missing episodes and it wouldn’t even make a dent in my bank account.

After getting that thought, I went to eBay to start purchasing the episodes I was missing (eBay always has some good deals). I typed the name of it in the search bar and searched it up, and one of the first results was a new listing of the original 1993 VHS release of the episode. What a find! Not only is that a very limited release (only 500 copies of this version were ever made), but it’s also got 0 bids, and is only worth a measly $5, that’s definitely an immediate buy for me! With no hesitation and no second thoughts, I made a bid for $10, and as I did, coincidentally, the bidding ended and I was the winner. Man, it couldn’t get any better than this! However, my common sense then kicked in, and I decided to message the seller to make sure that I was getting what I paid for. I was able to find the messages easily and copy-paste them so you could read him. For personal reasons, I won’t be giving out the seller’s name.

Me: Hey. Seller: Hello Me: So, where did you find this tape? Seller: Got it at a flea market for a dollar, it didn’t take a lot to get it. Me: I see. Me: So are you sure this is the actual VHS tape? Cause I know that there are a handful of eBay sellers that scam their buyers. Seller: Oh no no, it’s the actual tape. Me: Well, the picture seems legit, could I see some more? Seller: Sorry, I already sent it out to your address. Me: Okay, I understand. Seller: However, I have to tell you something. Me: Sure, what is it? Seller: The tape itself has a little bit of wear and tear, it’s been watched so many times that it could skip a bit and has a lot of grain, well, that’s what the worker at the flea market told me. Me: Have you watched the tape any? Seller: A long time ago, I barely remember what was on the tape to be honest. Me: I see. When will this arrive? Seller: Give it 3 days, give or take. Me: Alright, thanks. Me: I have one more question? Seller: Alright, shoot. Me: What flea market did you get this at? Seller: It was a local one that closed down about a decade ago, they were known for selling various VHS tapes and DVD’s for dirt cheap prices. I got this for my children, but they only watched it once and gave it back to me, telling me to keep it. Me: Why is that? Seller: Once again, I don’t remember. Me: Wait a minute, don’t flea markets only sell bootlegs?

After I said that, the seller didn’t answer my question. Hmm, odd. Welp, what a way to put my expectations low, It’s a 99% chance that I got a piece of shit bootleg instead of the original release.

Keeping my expectations low, 3 days have passed since I ordered the video. The day it happened, I went to the mailbox to check for the tape, the mailman did come by earlier that day, even though it was a Sunday, I opened the mailbox and got my mail out, it was a bill or two coming from my landlord, and a parcel that I assumed contained the VeggieTales video tape. Following that, I went back inside the house and took the mail to my upstairs bedroom, opening the mail up. And to no surprise, the tape was in the parcel. I looked at the tape closely, it came in the original box, so I was glad the pictures were accurate, but I did notice some differences. The box itself was damaged, it wasn’t completely ripped apart, but it looked like the box wasn’t well taken care of. The corners of the box were dented, and the overall print of the artwork was kinda fuzzy and blurry, like it was printed out on Google Images with the lowest resolution,  after that, I took the tape out of the box to inspect that, and the paper label in the middle of the tape was ripped off in a crude way, like, there was still paper hanging onto the tape. Well, I got it for 5 bucks that came second-hand from a flea market, I really shouldn’t expect a quality product, but as long as the tape itself played what I wanted, I could just throw these complaints about the quality of the tape aside and enjoy myself. After taking care of my bills, I put the tape into my VCR and pushed play on the remote. Now let’s get into this episode proper. The episode itself was able to stick in my mind due to it’s disturbing nature, and I’m able to point out some details on what took place.

The tape had a huge amount of grain, like the film was heavily beaten up, and the sound itself was so muffled that I had to turn up my television to a higher volume to even understand it. Turns out the seller was telling the truth. The tape at first started how I remembered it, a catchy intro song with the main characters Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber, and then the episode itself started. “Hi kids! And welcome to VeggieTales! I’m Bob the Tomato” Introduced Bob. “And I’m Larry the Cucumber!” introduced Larry. “And we’re here to answer your questions.” Said Bob. Then Bob hopped to a letter that was laying on the counter. “Today we got a letter from Lisa Evans from Charlotte, North Carolina and it reads:” Says Bob, with the voice coming from a little girl. As I kept watching, what I remember from the episode came back to my mind, I could tell there was some differences in Bob’s voice, he sounded forced, like he didn’t want to be there, even though the animation was still the same as the original tape. Huh, maybe it’s misremembering, since I haven’t watched this episode in years. The girl that narrated the letter also sounded off, she sounded legitimately scared and on the bridge of crying. “Dear Bob and Larry, My mommy said I shouldn’t be scared, but there’s too many scary things in this world, could you help me? I don’t wanna be scared anymore.” said this little girl. “Well Lisa, I think I have a story that can help you out.” Said Bob, still in this forced way. “I remember being scared at something a long time ago.” Larry added, he also sounded forced and not very interested. What the hell? Were the voice actors blackmailed to record this episode? I thought it was a passion project. “Well Larry, both you and Lisa can watch this story about being scared.” Bob then said, and then it abruptly faded to black. I took all these differences as misremembering the episode, because like I said earlier, it’s been years since I last saw it. Now it’s time to get into the main meat of this tape.

The episode started out almost just as I remembered it. Junior was watching a scary movie with a Frankenstein celery stick, it’s kinda silly watching this now as an adult, but I can see why a kid would be scared of this. Junior’s mom would tell him it’s time for bed, and being the good kid that he is, he followed his mom’s instructions and went to his room, and decided to lay on his bed, urging to go to sleep, while saying the following line “That movie wasn’t scary, I’m a big boy, I can handle it”, closing his eyes thereafter. Now, I expected Bob and Larry to show up outta nowhere and teach Junior the lesson that God himself is bigger than every villain and scary thing in existence, but Bob and Larry never showed up. Instead, Junior closed his eyes and fell asleep, transitioning into the dream world. But for some reason, Junior’s eyes were still open. The dream world was like a psychedelic drug trip, with tons of flashing colors and shapes showing up on the screen behind and around Junior laying down. Then all of a sudden, so sudden it felt like a jumpscare, the Frankencelery popped up in front of Junior. This is one detail I can’t really describe, but Frankencelery looked a bit more...demented, angry, and even a bit unnerved. Frankencelery spoke in a loud, deep, booming voice that actually sounded louder and a lot more clear than the rest of the audio. “Junior, you are a weak fool. You consider yourself a big boy, you talk to yourself, keeping your mind in a facade, constantly reminding everyone around you that you are brave, but it’s not the truth. The truth is, you are weak, worthless, spineless, you. Are. No one.” He follows this tangent with a nerve-shaking evil laugh, which was so loud that I had to turn down the TV before I went deaf. After that, Frankencelery disappeared, and the camera cut to Junior looking up to the ceiling, followed by, closing his eyes.

All of a sudden, the screen faded to black again, with white text in a Times New Roman font that said 2 days later. It cut to a hospital room made in the simplistic early VeggieTales style, Junior was laying on the hospital bed, looking like he hasn’t slept in a long time, his eyes were pink and slightly bloodshot, he did not have his hat on, and he was connected to both a heart monitor, and a mask giving him oxygen. Bob, Larry, and Junior’s parents were all watching over him, looking sad, with his mom being the most upset, she was crying, but unlike the rest of the voice acting, this crying wasn’t fake, it sounded like a person actually breaking down into tears. A doctor then entered the room, he looked like Archibald Asparagus, without the monocle, but he had a doctor’s outfit on. Bob said, also very upset “Well doctor, how is he?”. “Junior was originally suffering from sleep paralysis, but it soon turned into a coma for some unknown reason. He’s also having breathing problems and can barely talk. This is due to an overwhelming amount of fear that he had during his sleep paralysis. I suggest you try not to interact with him in any way.” Said the doctor. “Will he ever wake up?” Said Dad Asparagus. “I don’t know.” The doctor answered. “The rest of the doctors are trying their hardest to get him to wake up”. As he said that, Junior started convulsing, rapidly shaking on the bed, and the heart monitor kept on beeping quickly, causing everyone to scream in terror. “Oh dear! We need to take evasive action” Screamed the doctor. But before he could do anything else or take any more precautions, the heart monitor flat-lined. Junior stopped shaking, and the whole room went quiet, aside from the haunting sound of the flatline. The doctor abruptly broke the silence. “I’m sorry...we lost him. Too much terror was built up inside him and it caused his heart to beat abnormally, and he could not handle it in the state he was in.” The parents of Junior then started crying, with Bob and Larry looking very somber.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Junior died? There’s no fucking way that this could have been animated by Big Idea! It has to be a sick joke! Then while I was ranting, the tape then stopped, I hesitantly took the tape out of the VCR, but as I did, the tape’s film got stuck and stretched out, destroying the tape and causing permanent damage to my VCR. Great, a bootleg tape that not only made me question my childhood, but also damaged my VCR! With force, I ripped the tape out and chucked it into my trash can. Now, with these bullshit stories, you would expect me to be scared or disturbed, but no, I was just pissed off. I got sold a bootleg that was nothing like the episode I wanted to watch, I have the right to be pissed off. I went to my computer and contacted the seller. This time, he actually responded to my message. Just like earlier, here are the messages.

Me: Okay, what the fuck did you sell me? Seller: The tape you wanted? Me: That’s not the tape I wanted! This is a shitty bootleg that was NOTHING like the real one! Seller: Calm down, describe to me what was in the episode. Me: Well, the tape was in very low quality, the episode was completely different, and the tape broke while it was playing! Seller: Oh jeez, that never happened to me. Me: I thought you said you watched it! Seller: I did, but I didn’t remember the things you said. Me: Let me ask this question again, don’t flea markets sell bootlegs?! Seller: Yes they do, but I thought this was a legitimate tape. Me: You should have been more careful! Seller: I’m very sorry, do you want a refund? Me: I would, but the tape broke. Seller: I can still give you a refund, even if the tape is broken. Me: Thank you. I’ll send it back to you ASAP! But before I do, what was the flea market called? Seller: It was called Cheap Cheap Market, though, I doubt you’ll be able to find info on them, due to them closing down a decade ago. Me: I’ll find a way.

After about 45 minutes worth of failed research, I then found an official statement from Big Idea’s website. I clicked on the site and the thing that showed up really caught my eye. The statement then said.

Dear fans of VeggieTales, it has come to our attention that there are some illegal fake VHS tapes made of our older VeggieTales episodes have been going around in places like flea markets and lesser known selling websites, with the results being stuff that is sad, depressing, and also very scary and disturbing. We at Big Idea would never make something as messed up as what is seen on these bootleg tapes, we are taking legal action to get these videos banned and destroyed before it affects unsuspected children. We hope you understand, and if you ever feel scared, pray to God and you will feel better, with love, Big Idea.

It still doesn’t make sense to me. Why would some fucked up human being make demented Bootleg videos of VeggieTales episodes? What would they gain for it? Do they find enjoyment out of making this? I went and did more research looking for this, I even looked into the deep web, and what I found was something that made so much sense from what I saw. It was a blog post made by a person who I will not say by name, cause I don’t want to give the fucker any publicity. The blog post was very long, so I’m just gonna summarize it. The post said things about “special” episodes of VeggieTales that were sold for monetary gain, but it also mentioned that the episodes had a lot of “changes” made by the poster, these changes he described as “made for the darkest parts of the internet, and had to do with death and suffering”, and it also said in that blogpost that if anyone were to speak about this outside of the deep web, that they will pay the ultimate price for it. But, why VeggieTales? Why would they pick this show out of anything else? More research was done, and it turns out the person who made these tapes was a hardcore Satanist, who hated anything having to do with Christianity, and was arrested previously for assault charges and theft, but his worst case was kidnapping innocent people and making them both act in and produce these demented tapes, or they would be tortured if they didn’t obey. Now I know why the voice acting felt forced, and that also explains the actual crying. Due to him hating Christianity, VeggieTales was his main target, and he used it to vent out his frustrations and express his hatred for Christians, and since he was a felon, he couldn’t get a job, and selling these tapes was his only way of getting any kind of money. He was then arrested again in the Summer of 2010, with all of his tapes being confiscated by the local police department. However, some of the tapes slipped through the cracks, and were sold by other people in flea markets and other run down stores, both physical and online, not aware that these were illegal bootlegs. Now I know why the flea market was closed down. After coming to this conclusion, I felt a sense of relief and catharsis from it.

Nowadays, I feel a lot better. I don’t let this one incident affect my overall feelings of VeggieTales, but there is something in me, that makes me regret ever buying the tape. It doesn’t bother me as much, but, it’s one thing I wish I could go back in time to fix.