Squidward's Suicide (Alternate Version)

Well, it has been a couple of years since the release of the Scottish animator, Andrew Skinner. He was most notoriously known for the creation of "The Five Tapes", which included the infamous, "Squidward's Suicide". "How do you know so much?" you may ask. Well, I was part of the investigation team that reviewed the strange occurrences during the viewing of the tape "Fear of The Krabby Patty" in Nickelodeon Studios. We later confiscated the alleged tape and locked it away in the vault.

Around the year 2012, Nickelodeon contacted me around the end of April. They said they wanted to send me a copy of their newly premiered episode, "Are You Happy Now?". I was a bit confused but I accepted their gift. Almost a month later, the tape came in the mail at my office. It came in an unmarked box, with the exception of a "fragile" sticker. The box looked like it was tampered with because the flaps of the box were torn off. I brushed this off as a minor problem with the box during its shipping process. I figured I would watch it when the work day was finished as I was very busy that day. As soon as I finished my work, I went into my office to take the box.

When I arrived at my home, I was eager-ish to see the new episode. I went to my shed to find my old VHS player since Nick had sent me a VHS copy rather than the DVD copy. I found it behind some old dusty boxes and I rushed be inside my house. I had a bit of trouble connecting it to my television, but I finally did it. I grabbed the tape from the box and popped it inside the player. The television flickered to life. The regular SpongeBob SquarePants intro played. Then the title card, "Are You Happy Now?" appeared on screen. The title card was followed by the credits, but then it glitched out. The television screen displayed a test bar screen for a couple of seconds, then a new title card came up on the screen. It read, "Squidward's Suicide". The title card was way different than the one that was on the "Fear of The Krabby Patty" tape. The letters had a white glow to them. The background was a dark crimson color rather than the dark grayish color of the original title card. During the title card, there was absolutely no audio, not even a slight static noise. After, the title card faded from the screen, then happy music played while the television displayed a black screen. A couple seconds in, the bubble transition wipes the black screen, then the episode starts.

It starts off with a still shot of Squidward's house. It was rather cloudy outside. The camera then zooms into the house's porthole window. It then shows Squidward, who was getting ready to go to a concert with SpongeBob as in "Are You Happy Now?". But what puzzled me was that the episode took place at the Krusty Krab not Squidward's house. SpongeBob says something to Squidward, but for some reason, the audio is not played. The bubbles come up and it transitions to a concert stage. The orchestra on stage were warming up before the concert. They sounded sloppy and unorganized. The shot then goes to Squidward who looks somewhat pale. SpongeBob then turns to him and says something, but the audio, once again does not play. The concert then begins, halfway during the concert, one of the violin playing fish gets his bow stuck on the strings, similar to a bow and arrow, the violin bow flies and penetrates Squidward's eye. A small amount of blood starts to ooze out of his eye socket. The blood is barely noticeable. SpongeBob then tells Squidward, "Oops, that was a sour note". Squidward responds with, "This is not one of my happiest memories". It then goes to the outside of the art museum, but then it quickly cuts to a still shot of Squidward's house. The audio that would normally play during the art museum seen is slightly audible, but it is soon drowned out by a static noise. The shot zooms out and it shows SpongeBob knocking at Squidward's door, but no one responds. An abrupt title card saying, "Two Weeks Later..." appears and it shows the same still shot of Squidward's house, but it zooms into the porthole window.

Squidward was sitting on his bed looking quite forlorn. An audio clip from Squidward, which sounded really crude played: "I can't seem to get happy". Squidward just sits there looking at the floor. The camera then abruptly cuts to a view of the porthole window. It was dark and it was raining slightly outside. Then it jump cuts back to Squidward who is now sobbing quietly, it was barely audible. He covers his eyes with his tentacles. His sobbing gets louder and more painful. After a while, Squidward then uncovers his eyes, they looked bloodshot and they were glistening with tears. He then covers his face again. The shot suddenly decays and it shows real life footage of a someone walking down a stone path, since only the person in the footage was holding the camera, I had no idea who it was. The person starts talking but the audio is distorted and there is a sound which appeared to be wind blowing through trees. The person finally arrives at a large hole. The person points the camera down into the hole. There among the dirt were a few decayed corpses of about two children and a corpse of a woman. The footage then cuts off and it returns back to the cartoon.

Squidward was still sitting on his bed but the atmosphere appeared to be darker. His sobbing was a bit louder than before. He uncovers his eyes once again, on his tentacles and around his eyes was blood. It looked somewhat real, but in a more cartoonish style. Squidward's crying suddenly becomes ear piercingly loud. In the mix of the crying there was a deep laughter coming at weird intervals. There was also a slight murmur in the background. The sobbing abruptly stops and Squidward then stares into the camera. The screen twists on itself, and it displays a new scene. Squidward is now in the attic. It is very dark and you can barely even see him. Squidward then climbs on a ladder and he proceeds to hangs a rope around a wooden beam. He puts then rope around his neck and he says in a distorted voice, "Maybe this'll help...". He kicks the ladder down and loud choking noises are heard. The choking sounded realistic as if someone was actually choking. Squidward squirms around then he suddenly becomes limp. His corpse slowly sways back and forth. The camera then slowly zooms out of Squidward's house. Loud laughter can be heard along with screams and loud crying. The last shot was a still of Squidward's house in complete darkness. The darkness slowly swallows Squidward's house and the tape abruptly ends.

After that I took the tape to the investigation office. After a few days of examining the tape, we concluded that Andrew Skinner had edited over the tape with new content while it was being shipped here, thus explaining the re-taped box. The footage in the episode was analyzed but we couldn't figure out where this was filmed. The FBI immediately called for a massive search for Skinner, but nothing came of it. The tape was taken and stored in the vault along with all of Skinner's sadistic tapes. To this very day, Andrew Skinner is still out there...somewhere.